I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Randomize
