did you get engaged???
dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Randomize
