I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Randomize
