Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
