your parents love me but you hate me
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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