I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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