If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
