you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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