Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
