When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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