Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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