I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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