note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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