The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
