sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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