I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
