dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize