so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize