Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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