there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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