I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
