That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
