I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
