I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
