I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
