im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
