gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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