On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
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