turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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