well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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