I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I need water and some morals
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