I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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