the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
