girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
