That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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