well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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