he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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