I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
