Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
