My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Randomize
