I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
