Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Randomize
