I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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