i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I just want nice things and good sex
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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