The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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