Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Randomize
