grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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