Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
