my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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