im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
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