I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I need water and some morals
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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