dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize