Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
