and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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