I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
