please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Randomize
